I haven’t been around much, but a lot has been going on. I just got back from a wedding in Aruba, which was absolutely beautiful. Seeing love bloom anew on the beautiful white sands of an impossibly blue beach was a breathtaking experience. But it really got me thinking, and I think I’ve decided that I’m kind of done doing romantic shit all by myself for the rest of the summer.
My girlfriend is talented enough to be spending her summer singing jazz tunes at a five star hotel in Hanoi, Vietnam. It’s one of those once in a lifetime experiences that you can’t pass up, and never in a billion years would I have ever asked her to. Now and then people say, “I can’t believe you let her go!” Well, last I checked, my girlfriend was a grown-ass woman (not to be confused with a grown ass-woman, as I’d imagine that would be scary) and I didn’t have to “let” her do anything. But beyond that, I would not want her to forgo her dreams simply because I would miss her. Unfortunately, I was not able to join her on this leg of her journey, but since I plan to be with her for somewhere around forever, there will be plenty more journeys for us to experience together. That said, I miss her and if I WAS the party in charge of “letting” one go somewhere, I’d strongly consider putting the kibosh on that shit next time around.
Four months is a long time to be without the person you love. Especially when the summer is beautiful and you want to hold the hand and look into the eyes of the one you love and look at beautiful things together. If I were single, I’d be doing everything alone and loving it. But it’s different knowing that I’m very much not single and the person that I want to do things with is simply busy right now. I’ve started to notice myself being that bitterly single woman. The woman who sneers, “get a room!” to the couple kissing, all the while petting the cat laying on her FUPA. (Petting my cats is a top 5 pastime right now.) Originally I said I’d just keep living my life like “fuck da haters” (I don’t know who the haters are in this case, but fuck ‘em still.) and go places that she and I go. But then when I get there, people are like, “OH MY GOSH! You must REALLY miss Charmane! I mean, like, really. How are you alive right now? You must miss her so much that you want to vomit and cry all day! How do you sleep at night without the person that you love beside you? I know if the person I love was not sleeping beside me, then I’d be sleeping next to a bucket of tears cuz that’s how sad I’d be! Being alone must SUCK for you! But hey, she’ll be home before you know it! When’s she coming back? OCTOBER?! That’s the whole summer! And the fall! Oh my gosh, I’m going to kiss my spouse right now because I don’t even want to imagine what you’re going through!”
So I’m just going to stop trying to act like brunch is a meal for single people too. No more walking in the park because unless you have a dog, kid or partner, you look like an aimless weirdo. No paella for me.
I don’t want people to think I’m lonely, because that’s not it at all. I have plenty of friends and family, I’m absolutely surrounded and I love it. I’m just missing the company of a very specific person. Also, having a girlfriend means they will do almost anything that you want to do simply because they’re doing it with you. So if I want to see some craptastic movie that none of my friends want to see and then talk about it afterwards, I have a lovely companion to see the craptastic movie with who is contractually obligated to accompany me. No one is contractually obligated to see bad movies with me at the moment. My parents’ contract expired 10 years ago and judging by how they bashed their viewing of Friends With Benefits this weekend, they’re in no rush to renew. (though, why would two 55 year olds think they should watch a movie called Friends with Benefits anyway?)
Beyond her wifely obligations, I miss her. I’m a stone’s throw away from rubbing her perfume on a body pillow with her picture taped to it. But I wouldn’t trade anything for her to follow her dreams, because I know she’d patiently wait as I followed mine, and we’ll both walk hand in hand as we follow ours together.
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